April 21, 2014

Confessions of a Grateful Heart

Alas, I have waited more than a month to write another blog post. I do apologize. This year has been absolutely crazy. 17 hours and clinicals does not make for a very open schedule! This last semester has been a struggle. I can't tell  you how many times I've wanted to just give up because I have been overloaded emotionally. It has been very difficult.

I don't even know where to begin, I don't have a structured layout to this blog post. But, who cares. Sometimes you just have to write. Lately, despite everything going on, I've just felt so much love for people. I've seen God at work in many lives recently, including my own. I've seen it through my crazy, emotional semester with my family and those who are close to me. I don't think I've ever felt God's mission to love people more than I have this semester. Almost every message I've heard lately has to do with how much God loves me and how blessed I am to receive such grace every day. As long as I have that behind me, I have a need to love other people. Have you ever felt that urgency in your life?

Another thing: have you ever just sat down and appreciated the people in your life? We are so wrapped up in our lives that we forget God has placed certain people there at just the right time to get us through. God has sent me little reminders along the way that there are so many good people right in front of me. I've felt this especially right after this Easter weekend. I spent it with Phil's very wonderful family. Heck, they're probably reading this, but it doesn't matter, because they should hear it :). Honestly, it is a good reminder for me that there are wholesome families out there who are together and who make the choice to love each other every single day. Phil has been instrumental in supporting me mentally and keeping my vigor for life alive and thriving.  For example: I'm not going to lie, having a parent in one state and one in a different state is certainly a weird feeling and I feel disconnected from my dad a lot. Being in a relationship for over two years with Phil has finally helped me break through some of that hurt. I always told myself, "I don't have 'daddy' issues. That's ridiculous, I'm totally fine. I don't act out and I'm on a good path in life. I was grown-up enough when it all went down." I made mistakes in our relationship and constantly asked myself, "Why do I keep going there? Why do I struggle so much? Why am I seeking security in all the wrong ways when I know better?" It was very frustrating until the reason finally dawned on me one night, quite suddenly, I might add. I finally admitted that I was hurt by my dad and it affected me more than I ever let on. It also manifested in different ways. I told myself for so long that I had put the situation behind me and I had forgiven my dad, so it should be over that I started to believe it. Then I became frustrated when it broke through again. I can only be thankful that God put me in the path of a guy with character, who loves God, who took it all in stride with me, and who didn't take advantage of it. And I am thankful for the people who raised him to be that way. When I met Phil freshman year, I had no idea how large a role he would have in my life as I walked through my emotions. For all my disheartening moments, there has been someone there to love me through it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my entire family and they've always been there for me, just in different ways. People in my family also serve as reminders of wholesome families. My mom is a wonderful woman and I'm so thankful I have her here, and we've been able to walk through the past couple years together, which have been hard ones. She's been through many life trials and I take her advice quite willingly because I definitely don't know everything (I know, that may surprise some of you haha). Also, I've thought a lot about my adoption story lately. It is such a positive thing and I know God blessed me with a wonderful childhood, but I haven't forgotten where I come from. My blood relatives, my adoptive relatives, they're all family and spread out everywhere. I am so thankful I have them in my life.

All these things make me who I am today. God has kept me on the path I needed to be on, but I've received help from certain people. They have kept me straight and given me reminders that God has a plan for me and I can't give up. I've been so grateful and I can't help but want to love other people back. After Easter Sunday, I can only express gratitude and praise that through all my weaknesses, I will always have the love I need and a God who understands human suffering, who will never forsake me. Hindsight is always 20/20, right? Well, when I look back on my life, all the difficult things I've gone through have been filled with blessings to get me through. So, when I'm emotionally spent and exhausted, God will continually fill me up and bring me down the path He always intended for me to go. And He will for you too. Thanks for reading.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

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