April 25, 2012

Peaceful Influence

Hello Everyone!

Well, this should be a shorter post than my other ones, but I just wanted to share a few things and say hello!

So, first, hello! :) I saw my mom and some more of my family over this past weekend. It's nice having my mom up here so I can see her more often! But if you read my last blog post, my mom brought something to my attention... I was telling you guys that I was struggling to love my dad. Struggling to love him is not the right phrase. She asked me, "If Madison called you right now and told you that dad died in a car accident, how would you react?" I almost started crying in the car and I was like, well obviously I would be very upset. And she said, "Okay, well there you go. You love him." That just got me thinking... I don't exactly know the right word now, though. I'm struggling to accept him? I'm struggling to understand him? I guess those are true, but I guess I'm just struggling with my hurt. When the divorce was actually in progress, I suppose I had my few moments, but I mostly just shoved down the emotions so I could concentrate on college, keep my grades up, and swim hard. Now, with everything happening, I almost think that those emotions are welling up now, the ones I've held back for so long. I think the correct phrase is that I'm struggling to heal...still.

Anyway, I'm so excited! I've got two formals coming up, mine and Phillip's! :) They are going to be super fun, and I'll be posting pictures, so look out for those!


And one last thing. I know I need to really remember that God has got everything in His hand. I get caught up with my petty worries and ridiculous wanderings and I find myself drawing away from what really matters. What's awesome in this life is that with God, all things are possible. There is nothing He cannot accomplish, and we are the ones He uses to do that! And, vice versa, we cannot do anything without God, at least, it has no meaning. I fail every single day, but I try to be the influence He would want me to be. The peace I feel through Him is something I have never felt otherwise. He eases my hurt when I need it the most. Okay, well those are all the ramblings I have for you guys tonight. I hope the rest of your week is awesome, and hang in there! We're almost done! :)

Thanks for reading.

"Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires."
-2 Peter 1:4

April 21, 2012

My Two Cents

Hey guys!

Well, my few stressful weeks are finally allowing me a short breather! My huge history research paper has been turned in and it is a huge relief! And, for the first time in four weeks, I don't have a test this week (not counting a few quizzes)! I can't believe finals are so close. It's ridiculous. But, even more ridiculous is the fact that I'm almost done with my freshman year of college. Tours are coming through every day, and it just reminds me where I was at this time last year. I saw my cousin Kelly and my Uncle Joe on Thursday last week! It was only about an hour, but it was still really good to see them. Kelly seemed overwhelmed, poor thing. But, it's to be expected, walking around a crazy campus like TCU when she just visited Baylor. Both beautiful campuses, however, I'm only slightly biased. ;)

I went to Ignite on Monday, and something struck me out of the entire message. The speaker said something about being a part of the oldest family in history. Being a part of the Christian family. And he also was talking about immediate family and that it doesn't matter what they have done, they are still family, and we still love them. He used an example of a father "dropping the ball" with everything about being a father. Of course, guess who my mind went to almost immediately? I realized, I am still struggling hardcore with trying to love my dad. I've never struggled this much to love someone, especially a family member. I'm a pretty loving person, and I like showing people how much they mean to me. But, for some reason, I just struggle when it comes to my dad. I guess I just need to continue my prayer on the matter. It just hit home that he is still family. It makes me sad knowing I'm struggling to love a member of my family. Some of you may think I'm justified in that, but I'm really not. There is so  much that I've done, I can't say my dad deserves less love than I do. Every sin is the same in God's eyes. I just wish I knew how to think that way. Lord, help me. I've also been struggling with something lately...girls, you will understand me. I was having a heart-to-heart with a friend yesterday, and I realized, since I've come to college, I have been so much more self conscious about my physical appearance. And it has nothing to do with makeup or my clothes or anything, that has not changed about me, it's just about comparing myself to other rail thin girls or, you know, just girls who are supposedly "perfect". I know there is no such girl, we all have our flaws, but I can't help but notice how I measure up. And I hate it!!! It's not something I'm proud of! I never used to do that, and here I am freaking out about something that's ridiculous! Those of you who know me well know that I'm pretty comfortable about myself. That's why I'm freaking out about this. I never used to do that. I think it's because I'm not swimming anymore, I'm more conscious about things. I've got my good days and bad days. I've just been struggling with it lately. I mean, it's a pretty personal and serious thing to deal with, and just so all you girls out there know, you are not alone.

Okay, enough dreary stuff... this week has actually been really amazing! :) Guys, I have a really great boyfriend haha. I just have to say that. I asked him to my formal this week, and then he asked me to his two days later! With more roses :) Pink ones this time, instead of red, but they were beautiful! He must have read my blog or something from a long time ago that was talking about me being a old-fashioned kind of girl. Or maybe he just knows haha. I love the flowers, I love the opening the car door for me and blah, blah, blah. I don't know, but it has been a great week. :) I just love all the people that I've met here. They are so genuine and just great people! I am so blessed to have them in my life!

You know, it's kind of weird. As finals approach and as my freshman year draws to a close, I've been thinking about summer a lot. Of course, it's not weird to think about summer, but this is going to be a different summer entirely. As we get older, summer kind of loses its luster, don't you think? It's not quite as magical as it was when you were a kid. It's just another 3 month period before you go to school again. I don't know, that's how it feels to me sometimes. Anyway, this summer will be entirely different than any other of my summers. (1) I won't be swimming, at all. No more getting up at 5 AM unless I have to study for my anatomy class. And even then I probably wouldn't get up haha. But I won't have those practices. (2) I'll be taking summer school. I always thought of summer school as consisting of people who couldn't, or didn't, work hard enough during the year because they didn't feel like it and forced themselves to take summer school, which in a way is true, but I never thought I'd be taking it. Granted, I have a few different reasons for taking summer school, but it feels very weird. I don't really think that anymore about summer school, I'm only trying to finish my degree, but it will still be completely odd. (3) I'm going to be living in Texas. Not Colorado. That's the weirdest thing of all... :( I am going to miss those beautiful mountains so much. And my dad and my twin are going to be back in Colorado. :( Talk about a separated family. We are separated by states. That's weird. You know, I really need to think of another synonym for 'weird' because I feel like I'm using it way too much. Anway, haha, and I'm going to be dealing with humidity. I'll post pictures for all of your benefits haha so you can see my pain. It may be a little different though, because my hair is so incredibly LONG now. It's......weird.

Alright, well that was a pretty long couple of rants. Also, if you guys ever want advice or want me to talk and give my opinion about something in my blog, let me know! I'm happy to give my point of view. Not that you need to follow it by any means, but I will give you my opinion. I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend. :)
As always, thanks for reading.

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
-Matthew 6:26-27, 34

April 9, 2012

Reverting to the Past

Hello All!

Well, my Easter this weekend was absolutely wonderful! It was so much fun! I hope you guys had a great weekend, and I'd love to hear about it, but let me tell you a little bit about my weekend.

Let me just start off by saying that I am incredibly blessed with such great friends here at TCU. My weekend started with a mini panic attack. Literally. My site for my insulin pump fell out, and lo and behold, I was without insulin. I hate admitting this, but I was so irresponsible packing. I didn't pack any more insertions for my pump when I thought I did. So, I had my pump, I had my insulin, and I had no way of getting it into my body. Talk about a scary situation. People honestly don't understand what kind of terminal disease diabetes is. I mean we hear about diseases like cancer and stuff all the time, and I'm not trying to undermine those, because they are horrible, but diabetes is just as bad. Yeah, we have a way to cope with it, but insulin is not a cure. Anyway, so I was freaking out trying to figure out what to do as we were in the parking lot just getting done with lunch. The thoughts going through my brain were:

1. We are going to have to go back to TCU. All 15 of us. Because of me.
2. I am going to DIE.
3. Morgan, how can you be so incredibly stupid after being a diabetic for 16 years?!?!
4. I am going to just break down and cry right here in this parking lot.
5. What is wrong with me?!?!!

You get the idea. So, I'm near tears, not even speaking clearly because I'm so distraught. I mean, look, this is a LIFE THREATENING situation. To put it mildly. Then, I get an idea. If I could just get to a pharmacy and get some syringes, I would be just fine. I had my insulin. I just needed a way to get it into my body. And that was it. God is good and relief washed over me like a tsunami. And there it was. A Walgreens right next door to the place where we had just eaten lunch. God moment anyone? So, we went, I bought the syringes (Phillip went in with me, without me even knowing at first because I was on a mission to get those syringes gosh darn it, but it was a very sweet gesture, and I appreciated it).

Anyway, moral of the story: don't do what I do. Haha, no, just kidding. But there is something odd that I experienced this weekend with going back to using those old fashioned syringes. It took me back to my younger years of dealing with diabetes. I almost felt more free in a way. I also felt more lost. I love my insulin pump, but sometimes it can be such a deadweight. Getting rid of it for the weekend made me realize a few things. One thing about having an insulin pump is that you get lazy. You think, "Oh, I've got insulin going through my body, it's attached to me, I don't need to be super careful." I can't tell you how many times my apathy has told me that and I have listened to it. I was a little lost this weekend giving myself shots. I knew how to do it, body memory just kicked right in, but knowing that I HAD to go give myself a shot was a feeling I forgot existed. There was no other way insulin was running in my body. If I didn't get that insulin, I would get really sick. So, I got up and did it. There was something liberating about drawing up that insulin and sticking that small needle in myself. I was caring for my own well-being. It reminded me how often I forget to be active in taking care of myself and how my apathy has kicked in so much in the past two years. Reverting back to those past years made me feel more comfortable with myself. I knew how to do this. It was a little foreign remembering how to count my carbs and draw up the insulin myself without my pump automatically calculating it, but it was refreshing. I don't realize that sometimes I am insecure about being a diabetic. I don't act like it, and usually I'm not, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, it's very difficult having a terminal illness around people who don't. No matter how much I want to just be tough about it, it's a grueling process of taking care of my body. This little incident this weekend was a godsend, however. I remembered the necessary responsibility of being a diabetic. That's always been there, but it was a vivid reminder for my apathy. My friends were there the whole time, ready to take care of me, and they were ready to drive back to TCU. For me. It meant so much, and they all sat in the parking lot of Walgreens while I went in to buy my syringes, and then proceeded to make sure I had everything I needed when I returned. They postponed everything for me, and made sure I was ok in the midst of my panic. I appreciated it so much, and I can't thank them nearly enough for being so understanding and flexible. And, of course, I'm not apologizing for being a diabetic, but just their treatment was so appreciated. Thank you guys. So much! :)

Moving on, the rest of the weekend was great! Through getting some bruises, two-stepping, and swimming in the pool, one pretty great weekend with lots of memories was made. I learned the flip move for two-stepping! It's really fun, and looks super complicated even when it's not. Ryan is literally a two-stepping genius. The rest of the guys are great too, though! :) Of course. I love two-stepping with all of them.

You guys will be blown away by this... this weekend, another new experience for me, I went shooting!! Me. I shot a rifle and some other intimidating, large gun (and yes, with real ammo haha). And, I actually hit my targets! I shattered them! It was crazy!! I know, I know, the image of me with a gun is scary, but I did it. It was actually very fun! The kick was a little startling, but I would do it again in a heartbeat!
Fiddler's Green
I also had a new experience this weekend. I attended a Lutheran service for Easter. It was so different from anything I have ever done. I'm not used to talking back to the preacher, you know? And Anna sent me a picture of Fiddler's Green (if you're one of my Colorado friends, you know exactly where I'm talking about despite all of the name changes) and it really made me miss home. Also, it is like a 5 minute walk from my ex-house (yes, we sold the house). I love Easter service there so much, there is so much joy. :) I didn't experience that as much in the Lutheran service, maybe because it was so new to me. But, it was a great experience. When we took Communion, even when Ryan specified which little cup was which and what each had in it, I still managed to fail to take the grape juice. Yep. I took the wine. And as soon as it went down, there was a slight burning sensation (I mean, it's only a tiny sip of wine) but I knew it was definitely not grape juice! Haha, my mistake. But it didn't hurt me, and it was red wine too, which is good. Red wine should be the only kind of drink a diabetic should have, and even then with extreme caution. Anyway, funny little moment on my part.

To end the weekend, we went to a great restaurant, one of those where they cook the food right in front of you? It was amazing. The food was so good. I hadn't used chopsticks in a very long time, either, so it was fun to get to use them again. And, I actually really like sushi now. I used to be so wary of it, but now I quite enjoy it. I think college is gradually expanding my horizons. Alright, enough rambling for tonight.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter, and thank the Lord for the beauty in this world! Thanks for reading.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7

April 4, 2012

Tidings of Joy

Hello all,

Well. How is everyone? I hope you are doing wonderfully!

Easter is this weekend. How did that happen?! Time is going by so quickly. I am almost done with my freshman year of COLLEGE. I still remember last year at the beginning, I was like, wow, I'm going to college next year. Eh, whatever, it's still a little ways away. Ha, my first year is almost over now. People always tell you that college goes so fast and that you are ready to go to college. I didn't believe them until now. Even when I first moved in, I was like, wait, Mom, you're leaving me here? I'm not going with you? I didn't feel prepared. But now, I feel like I really was ready for college, just slightly apprehensive. Anyway, enough reminiscing.

Well, it's official. I'll be taking summer school here in Texas. I definitely have mixed feelings. I can't believe I won't be coming home to Colorado this summer. I may at the end for a couple weeks, but I won't be there. :( I mean, granted, it's only for one summer. And I am NOT looking forward to the humidity. For you texans who think I'm being a baby about the humidity, well, I am haha. What if you came to Texas from a state with only 3% humidity?! You'd be complaining too! But, anyway, to all my Colorado friends, I'm sorry. I miss you guys a whole lot, but this needs to be done so I can be a nurse! You guys have to keep in touch with me through skype or whatever! I miss you guys :( However, I am excited about it only because it means I will be an RN in four years! God is good!
**P.S. For those of you who are curious and just can't stand it, Phillip and I are doing quite well. :)**

So church this last weekend was really amazing. We don't have a college service this weekend, so they did an Easter celebration thing this last weekend. It was quite powerful. We started off with prayer and then they played a video (from The Passion of the Christ) that portrayed the crucifixion. We prayed after that and then sang, and it honestly moved me to tears as well as the girls around me. You know, this whole 'love' thing that we so often take for granted is incredibly powerful when put into context. Combine that with the movie, which makes me cry anyway, and those were some loaded tears! It really made me think, though. I hear the saying "What if you woke up with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?" and I say, yeah, okay, I get it. But I really don't. I never will. I don't feel like any of us will. The scene when Jesus actually dies and a raindrop falls from the sky is really powerful...taking that as God crying. I don't know, it's just such a powerful image. But, after all that, of course, we celebrated the resurrection! Yay! It just put things in perspective for me. Anyway, that was my experience.

Also, to bring a laugh to your day, my friend Cassie showed me this video, and I was laughing so hard. For all you Disney fans, it's even funnier! This guy is brilliant! Just watch it, it's worth it, I promise! Pay special attention to his facial expressions!

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend, and HAPPY EASTER!!!! :D


"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time."
-1 Peter 1:3-5

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