March 29, 2012

Colors of the Wind - In Life

Hello friends!

I have been getting worse and worse at updating you guys on my life! Again, I apologize. I just have a very stressful next couple of weeks coming up. I will have had two tests this week, and a quiz, and another two tests next week. Plus two papers to start. Yay for nursing! Actually, I really do like it though. But what kinds of teachers do that to you?! I'll tell you what kind....nursing teachers who want to make an RN out of you in 4 years!!! :P Is it bad that when I wrote the second part of that sentence I thought of the Mulan song?

Anyway, I'm super excited for next year to room with my three other roommates! Caleigh, Ava, and Rebecca and I are living on the fourth floor of King next year! We got the last quad, and I'm actually alright with being on the fourth floor...more leg exercise for me!

You know what I learned yesterday while reading my nutrition textbook? I learned that too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. You know those little things called vitamins? Don't take supplements unless you aren't getting any of it in your diet, or you're an olympic athlete. If you really are a healthy person who tries to eat well, you will get your necessary allotments of vitamins daily. Too much of a vitamin can cause death! Isn't that crazy? And you thought you were healthy taking vitamin supplements.... but stick with vitamin C, it's good for you. We have also been talking about being culturally aware as a nurse. You know, if I eventually come upon a patient in the hospital who has never been employed, is on welfare, is not married, and has 3 kids with different fathers, am I going to just judge her because that is against my values? I don't know what she has been through. It will be my job to be a stable source of care to that person. I don't know, it's just something to think about, but quite a powerful concept. What if I had to walk a mile in her shoes? Okay, enough nursing/school talk. Sorry, I get carried away.

I've been listening to disney music on pandora for two consecutive days now. It makes me so happy! If you actually listen to the lyrics, it has some good lessons in it, especially the music from Pocahontas. It's so weird. Kiss the Girl just came on... I love that song so much! Ariel is still my favorite, but I am beginning to appreciate Belle and Tiana a little bit more. Wow, I can just get carried away talking about Disney, okay, I'll stop.

For those of you back in Colorado, I think it is a very high possibility of me staying in Texas for the summer and attending summer school here. I'm praying about it, but I think it may just be my best option. I don't like that I probably won't be home often, but I've got to do something and make some sacrifices for my career ahead. Also, if this is new news to you, go read my previous post. It gives more details. Like I've said before, my plan is not always God's plan. I can't exactly say no to it. :)

I have so many things running through my brain right now. It feels like a colorful wind inside my brain almost haha (to use a Pocahontas reference). I took this "stress" level test in Human Development today, and you add up your scores. A score over 300 is under the level of "major life crisis". Guess what? My level was 348. There are so many things going on between home and school and just life. I feel almost like I'm in a mid-life crisis. I am almost feeling like there is nothing for me back home. It's kind of a nagging emptiness that I'm trying to address. Colorado and the people I've met there have been a part of me for so long, it makes it hard to acknowledge the difficulties. I feel like I'm losing some aspects of my family, and some friends. Not all of you guys of course :) but it's hard not to feel like that. You all kind of know what's going on, but I don't explain my feelings very often. That's why this blog is good. I don't feel like I'm forcing people to listen to me. Part of this is probably coming from my stress and PMS? Maybe...maybe not haha. But there are certainly external factors contributing. According to that stress test, I'm going through a lot. The only thing I can say, because I have absolutely no room to complain, is that thank goodness God is constantly here with me. I don't know where I'd be otherwise. Much worse off most likely.


God has placed wonderful people in my life to help me through stuff like this. People I have met here at TCU and a few of you still at home. Some lessons are hard to learn, and some don't adjust as well. But it's comforting to think...this journey only lasts a lifetime, and God's with us through it all. :) No matter what happens down here, God has much bigger plans. It's all I can do to just endure and be patient. I feel that I'm speaking for most of us when I say that. Alright, I have to get back to studying, but I hope you guys have had a great week and hopefully your weekends will be awesome!

As always, thanks for reading.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
-Revelation 21:4

March 23, 2012

MY plan is not always THE plan

Hello my fellow earthlings... :) (don't ask, not a clue)

I apologize for not having written sooner! I have been so occupied...mentally. Well, that itself is a paradox. You'd think that if my mind was busy I would be writing more. Well, sometimes I just need to process before I put it out there. Anyway, I hope all of you that have had your spring break or are in the midst of it are having a wonderful time! My spring break has been pretty great! My cousin's wedding was absolutely lovely, and I love weddings so much! I had so much fun seeing everybody! Now, I'm back at home for the rest of the week. I head back to Texas on Saturday.

It's great being home, but it's a bittersweet mom is in the process of moving, so every single room in my house (with the exception of my room) looks different. They are filled with boxes and things are gone...which makes me love my room all the more. Everything is intact. But, it made me look around at all my things a little more and reminisce. I have this swimming collage on my ceiling that I made a couple of years ago because, one, I was bored, and two, it was something I loved. I was looking at that and all the pictures of Michael Phelps, Amanda Beard, Dara Torres, Aaron Piersol, Ryan Lochte, Natalie Coughlin etc... I also looked at the little felt flags that we received every year after high school season with one event and the time we were most proud of. I have two 100 fly's and two 100 back's. I looked at my poster that my friend Cate made me during state one year to help cheer me on. Everyone else on the team got one too, it was so sweet of her! I looked at my high school graduation photo...time sure has flown by. I'm almost done with my first year of college! I looked at my little medal from being an attendant on the prom court last year and laughed haha. I looked at my wolf pictures and paintings on the green wall. No, I did not paint any of them! I looked at one of my framed senior pictures...the swimming one in case anybody is curious. There are so many memories in my little's going to be hard to forget it.

It was my dad's birthday yesterday. He's old. Haha, not really, but still. Anyway, I had been wanting to avoid him this whole break because of past things (read previous blogs) but I figured I couldn't exactly ignore him on his birthday. So, I went and visited him. It just goes to show that things never go quite as you plan. We were able to be pleasant for about 10 minutes then he got into this whole monologue about "what I needed to know and understand from his point of view" (the only point of view apparently). More child support complaining, more of how he's doing everything right with my sister, more blah, blah, blah. I won't go into detail. I don't need to bore you guys every single blog post about my frustration with my dad. Although, I do warn you guys to read at your own risk :P. But my life is not bad at all. Anyway, we got into quite the little disagreement. It ended abruptly with me telling him outright to not talk/complain to me about child support; it wasn't right and it wasn't between him, mom, and me. It resorted back to being peaceful. Then I left. Some things don't go quite how you plan.

And here, I am burdened with sharing some disappointing news to my Colorado friends. Several blog posts ago I told you guys with a smile that I would be able to attend summer school in Colorado. Well, now, that may not be the case. The two classes I need to take are only offered at UNC. As much as I like Colorado, I have nowhere to actually stay up in Greeley for the whole summer. The whole summer. Greeley. You see my point. So, I may have to stay in Texas for most of the summer to complete my summer school. I love my Texas friends and Texas, don't get me wrong, it's my second home now, but you guys are all here back in Colorado. :( What am I going to do? I might just have to suck it up for the summer to get my nursing plan done in 4 years. You guys would want that for me, right? :) But I don't like it just as much as you don't. And I have family in Texas I could stay with. I don't know. I've been praying, and I've been super stressed about it... losing sleep kind of stressed. But, God has His plan, and I've got mine. And mine isn't worth a darn thing compared to His. So, I'll just have to wait and see. I'm sorry I had to share that news though :(.

I went and saw the Hunger Games with Madison last night!! Ohhh my gosh, it was so good! It was quite accurate although some little things they left out, but it was so good! I would go see it again in a heartbeat! It was pretty intense, but I suppose it's better that way. Anyway, I highly, highly recommend it...IF you have read the books. Read the books first people, they are always better than the movie! That is understandable though, I mean, you can't make a movie perfect. I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon like the stupid Twilight thing... but I can't decide whether I'm a Peeta girl or a Gale girl. So many decisions haha. :P Okay, I'm done. Go see the movie! And if anyone needs someone to go with.... :)

Well, hey, to end on something positive, this week, I actually bought some cowboy boots! Yes, yes, I gave in! BUT they weren't the ridiculous $200 pair, they were quite a bit cheaper. I get to wear them on Saturday when I go see JOSH TURNER at Billy Bobs back in Texas :)))) sooo excited!! For those of you who are curious, I may be turning into a real texas girl - loves southern chivalry, loves country, owns cowboy boots, knows how to two-step country style, and already has those crazy curls. But, I will not, and I repeat, will not, be saying "y'all" anytime soon. I haven't yet, and I don't plan to! I prefer real english :P. I also won't be getting an accent anytime soon. You laugh and think I'm kidding, but I'm pretty stubborn! I still have that Colorado girl ingrained in me! I'm still one of those mountain babes at heart ;)

Thanks for reading.

"Jesus replied, "What is impossible with man is possible with God."
Luke 18:27

March 13, 2012

The Great Divide

Hey guys,

You know the most frustrating part of having divorced parents and you're the only one who lives out of state? You get different stories from both over the phone and you never know what parent to believe. You've learned to trust both parents growing up and now it just gets confusing. Well, for one, I want to believe both of my parents, but it's hard to tell which one is valid even though I may trust one more than the other at this point. But I still don't completely distrust the other. I don't know. It's so frustrating. And, on days like this, I need God's fatherly comfort more than ever. My fears were confirmed 15 minutes ago. I can't talk to my dad on the phone for three minutes without yelling and getting into a discussion. It didn't used to be like that. I mean I used to go get ice cream with my dad. Not anymore. I don't call him unless I really need to know something. This is a frustration today that not even Disney music can fix. :( When I go home for spring break I don't even know if I want to see my dad. That's pretty sad. I just don't know if I can have a civil conversation with him. Lord, help me. Please. Ugh. I'm definitely pushing the struggle bus's not even making the rounds.

Something that has been on my heart lately... with all this going on, it is easy to think that I don't have a full family or that my family is so broken and I don't get the right amount of love that I need. I was watching the move Grease the other day, and a quote that Frenchie said just hit me, right away. She said, comforting Sandy over Danny, "The only guy a girl can really count on is her daddy." I heard that and I just felt sad. I mean, like I've said before, my dad is not exactly the picture of fatherhood. But I was also thinking that it's okay. I have all the love I'm ever going to need. I have a family in Christ. He is my father. Not my earthly one, but He is all the father I'm ever going to need. I mean, I'm called a daughter of God as a Christ follower. That's a pretty cool fact. I guess I get so caught up in my little world down here that I forget my problems aren't even a black dot in the vastness of this world's problems. I have a challenge for myself as well as for you guys... living in God's love is one thing, but being God's love? That's a whole other story. My faith circle book says that we are the living messengers of God's love. We have that responsibility. It's a cool responsibility though. We are the walking, breathing, and living messengers of God. He is never gone. He is always there. Thank goodness for that.

Well, now that I've probably been complaining for too long, I think this week requires a little bit of humor. Me being me, I love puns and nerd humor. I think I'll post a few funny pictures... :) They will be good for a laugh. Did you know that laughing for 15 seconds adds two days to your life span? I'm not sure if that's true, it's just something I've heard. But, it probably has an aspect of truth to it. And you are welcome. I just added at LEAST two days to your life, if not more. :)
Thanks for reading!

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him."
-1 John 3:1

March 9, 2012

Significant Scenarios

Hello Everyone!

Wow, it's been awhile since I have blogged. I'm sorry about that. With everything coming up like spring break and finishing off my tests, I've been slightly busy. I hope you guys have fun stuff planned for spring break! My cousin's wedding is during spring break, so I'll be attending that. I love weddings, so it will be a blast! Plus, I get to see a lot of my family. I'm so excited! I also may be able to come home to Colorado for a few days! :D That really has me excited. I miss Colorado although I love it here. Anyway, on with life...

It's interesting how my life has transformed in the last couple of weeks. Those of you who know me best know that I am an old--fashioned girl. Flirting is out of my comfort zone, and I don' t normally open up very easily unless I know you. That has changed slightly since college, I'm slightly more outgoing, but don't worry, I'm still the same old me. [And this is annoying, while I'm typing all of this, my wrist keeps  popping... it's odd...anyway...] Those of you who also know me best know that I'm not like some girls who are able to keep track of dating and keep track of who they like and who they may like, and who gave what sign and blah, blah, blah. But, I also am not a huge fan of being single. I don't need a guy, but I like to have one, and then my loyalty comes into play again. If I'm with somebody, I'm with that person. I don't go window-shopping if I may say so haha. Anyway, I was struggling with God and His plan for me with all that, I was trying to stay neutral and let God work it out, which was difficult. But, He has brought a guy into my life; his name is Phillip. :) It's amazing the differences you feel when you actually are on the same page with somebody with everything. It's interesting how it just kind of dropped into my lap. I wasn't quite expecting it so soon, but God works in mysterious ways. He has been a positive thing in my life and it's good to have with everything going on at home. In the beginning he said "I just want to make sure we put Christ first." That was the best statement I could have asked for, and needless to say, I was (and still am) 100% okay with it. And did I mention he's a great guy? :) Anyway, just a little piece of news. Don't go all crazy on me!

It happened again this morning. I couldn't keep my blood sugar under control. I did something wrong again, and I had to fix it. This diabetes thing, man, it's rough. I'm never 100%. It doesn't limit me, but all these other people walking around without a care in the world get to me. I try desperately to keep myself healthy and accountable, but even then it doesn't work. I don't want to try and sound all depressing about it, because I am relatively healthy, but it gets old starting over day after day after day and trying to get it right. There isn't just one way to deal with blood sugars. It's new every single day. Girls, those of you with wavy/curly hair, you know how you never know what your hair is going to look like in the morning or how it's going to behave? Well, that's kind of what it's like. I never know what a day might bring and I just have to combat it, except it's kind of a matter of life and death. But, yeah, just grr!! I saw this really cool necklace charm on a website called Etsy, and on it says "insulin is not a cure." It's so true, and I just thought it was kind of a cool quote to raise awareness. They are still working towards a cure. I was thinking, though, for my upper division honors (this is a long ways off, but still), to write my thesis on or do something with diabetes. I mean, who better to advocate it than an actual, real life type 1 diabetic? :P You're reading her blog. Right now. I don't know if you guys know this, but the mascot for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation (JDRF) is the pink panther. Haha, when I went home for Christmas break, I found something the doctors gave to me in the hospital when I was very sick and just getting he is....

I'm in a bible study right now, and we are reading a book by Mother Teresa. It's called No Greater Love. The last chapter we read was about prayer. There are some really cool ideas that I haven't thought about before. God answers prayers, and praying to Him is a form of love. She says that praying does not have to be complicated and that the simplicity of prayer is what is necessary. She also stresses the importance of listening. The silence is when God speaks to us. We get so caught up in speaking to Him and asking Him for things and telling Him what we need help with that we forget that the silence is important to here Him talking to us. He wants to talk back to us. How cool is that?! I just think it is an awesome point. So, those of you who are discouraged about anything really, just be patient. God answers everything in His own time.

Let's see... what else to ramble about? Well, I don't have much else on my mind right about now. I think I am just tired. Haha, oh! I was at lunch the other day, and for those of you who are as obssessed with Criminal Minds as I am, there was this guy sitting behind my table who looked like Dr. Reid! It was crazy, I mean and he was downing two glasses of chocolate milk haha. Just get that picture in your head. I mean, you have to get your calcium in! I thought it was slightly amusing. Anway... I think I'm going to end there. There will be another blog post soon, I promise! I hope you guys are great, and for those of you on spring break this week, have a great week! :) Ta-ta-for-now!
Thanks for reading.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
-Romans 8:28

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
Matthew 7:7

March 1, 2012

Never Forgetting Forgiveness

How are you all today?

Isn't it ironic how the people you are supposed to love the most are the hardest ones to forgive?
I have had issues lately with forgiveness. Not with friends, not with enemies, but with my family. Well, my dad mostly. For those of you who are not aware, my parents are divorced and have been for about 2 years. But, it still feels like we are right in the middle of it. I'm not going to go into a huge, long story about my family life. There is no need to share that on the internet. But, if you have questions about it, come find me. But, long story short, my dad does not realize what boundaries are. At all. I can't talk on the phone with him right now for five minutes without him making some sort of comment or statement that makes my blood boil. I mean just the other day he was talking to me about child support. To me. His daughter. I don't know, but with all the things blowing up in my family life, I am finding it very, very difficult to forgive him for everything he has done to our family. Granted, I haven't been perfect either. None of us has. But some things just cross the line...a.k.a my dad. I don't think he realizes he is being hurtful. That doesn't matter though. He is just so inconsiderate. :(

Now, my question is this: how do you forgive someone who keeps breaking down your resolve? There's that command in the Bible that says to forgive not 7 times, but 70 x 7. So, let's see... that's 490 times exactly...haha no, just kidding. That really means forgive them as many times as it takes. And, I regret to inform you, I have no idea how to answer this question. I can't answer it for myself and I certainly can't answer it for you. I know it's not true, but sometimes I feel like my dad doesn't care that he has children. He wants instant gratification, something our society teaches everys single one of us. But he just doesn't have time for me. He thinks he is involved and he thinks he is being the ideal dad, but oh no. He has got it all wrong. I mean not that I already have a birth father who I've never met, but my adopted dad is not exactly the picture of fatherhood. Needless to say, I am struggling...hardcore. I don't hold grudges usually, but this one is incredibly hard to forget. Especially since every time I talk to him he opens old wounds and then rubs salt in it. And every time I see him with his girlfriend, it only reminds me of how my family fell apart.

I'm so sorry I'm venting like this. Writing helps me get my thoughts down. Venting is good sometimes though. And I'm certainly not trying to undermine any other family situation. There are some familes out there who are much worse off than mine. As my mom used to say, you don't have a corner of the market on pain. It's true, I really don't. I'm blessed with a wonderful mom and an awesome twin, and my dad is a good guy at heart. It's just so hard to see it. So, what does the Bible say when we struggle with anger and forgiving someone?

"In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent."
-Psalm 4:4

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'"
-Matthew 18:21-22

"And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
-Ephesians 4:30-32

"Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many."
-Hebrews 12:14-15

So, those are some Bible verses that talk about forgiveness and staying a righteous person in God's light. Those verses are pretty clear cut. They definitely make me think. I believe I may have to have God's help in this forgiveness though. I need Him to soften my heart and take away my bitterness before I can make progress. That's what prayer is for I suppose. I need all the help I can get. Trust is key here. Anyway, this has been more of an instructional blog post I suppose, but they are still my thoughts. And I think they are worth sharing because I'm sure I'm not the only one who is struggling. I am undoubtedly not in a position to judge others. I've had my fair share of mistakes. And in no way or form should we ever judge another person. That rule though can be very hard to follow. Yet another testimony to my struggles in my faith. I don't like re-using bible verses but I will end with a bible verse I used for my very first post. It seems appropriate here, and I've given myself more than enough to ponder from God's word for now. Have a wonderful rest of your week and weekend! I love you guys. Thanks so much for reading.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
-Philippians 4:13

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