June 29, 2012

A Personal Request

Hey Guys!

Well, this should be a short post. I just have a couple things to say! First, I only have one more week of Anatomy and Physiology I! :) Three more tests then I've passed it for good! Two in lab, one in lecture! Bring it.

My next point of discourse is somewhat personal. I just want to ask you guys for prayer. You all know I'm a diabetic, and as of June 21, I've had it for 17 years. Well, diabetes isn't just about not getting insulin automatically. There are many other health risks. Serious ones. Well, on and off this past year I've been experiencing some slight numbness in my toes and just weird sensations. It's only in my toes, nowhere else. I thought maybe it was a pinched nerve except, there is no pain. Well, I was looking some stuff up and my mom also brought it to my attention, that those symptoms I was experiencing had something to do with diabetes. I looked it up and apparently it's quite common in diabetics to feel something like this. I'm terrified that I'm experiencing symptoms of something called Peripheral Neuropathy. In other words, I have not been up to par in taking care of myself. I don't have to tell you that it's difficult living with diabetes. The worst part, though, is the apathy and frustration that gets in the way. Believe me, I've had my fair share of that. Several months ago my doctor said my kidneys weren't very happy. It scared me a little so I got back on track. I try every day to get it right. Well, you guys also know that it's been a hard year (a good one, but hard), and I've had so many things on my mind to keep me busy. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't keep myself accountable like I should have. Those of you who know me well know that I don't easily give up. Well, my frustration and apathy with all of this has been under my surface for awhile. I'm just tired of it. Tired of everything. Tired of getting it wrong. Tired of having the constant stress. Frustrated with my incompetence. And now this. I have no excuses. It may be nothing, but I am just scared. This stuff is real.

I'm no invincible human being. My health is a big weakness, and always has been. This stuff can be taken care of, and I'm exercising and eating right, so that helps. I just need some prayers for strength and, I guess, discipline. Quite frankly, I'm scared. It's a new type of fear entirely. Anyway, I love you guys, and if you're praying, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

"God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day."
-Psalm 46:5

"Surely God is my hlep; the Lord is the one who sustains me."
-Psalm 54:4

June 26, 2012

Prayer for Peace

Hello Everyone!

Yes, another blog post. And so soon too! Well, there is good reason for it. I've had an epiphany. Well, it's not exactly an epiphany, but it is a realization. I think I've figured out why I've been sort of listless lately. I think I miss swimming. More than I let on. I've done it my whole life exept for the past year. Even last summer I had friends that lived 15 minutes away from me to keep me occupied. This summer I have....well...summer school. All this hype with the Olympic Trials and swimming has got me missing swimming. I think about some of my friends back home who are still swimming in college and I just....I just miss it. And I am so afraid to even get in the water again. I can't explain it; it sounds stupid, but I really am nervous. I've done it my whole life. The thought of just getting in the water and swimming again, not even on a team, terrifies me. It's a part of me, yet I took that away when I came to TCU. I'm afraid if I do it I'm going to miss it even more and then not be happy with my current situation. I could have swam in college. I was deciding between TCU and Colorado College. TCU swimming is too much, that won't happen, but Colorado College could have happened. I could have been swimming. It makes my heart break even though I know I made my career choice. I wouldn't have been in nursing in Colorado, not like TCU. I am so thankful for TCU, and I love it; I made the right choice for my career...it's just the swimming. I think for a long time part of my self worth was associated with my swimming career. It was just that way. It's more evident this summer than it was during the school year which is very understandable. I don't know how to handle this.

And this, yet again, is another one of my weaknesses for trusting God's plan for my life. I hope I made the right decision by going to TCU and giving up swimming. It's funny in swimming, it takes a lot out of you physically and mentally, but even now, when I'm not near a pool, it's mentally taxing. It's no simple matter to just "fix" how I'm feeling. I just need help learning what to do without it. I'm still staying active, but it's not the same. Those of you who know me well probably understand me with how much I talk about it. Ah, there's the rub, though, I almost feel as if I don't have a right to be talking about it anymore since I haven't even been in the water to swim for the past year. I've been afraid to open up those floodgates and address it.
I just need to pray for contentment and direction. I need peace, and I know the one place I'm going to get it...from God. There is no other way. With where I am right now I can't just up and join a swim team, it doesn't work that way. It was either nursing or swimming, and I chose nursing. I mentioned before the reason I want to be a nurse is because I'm excited to give as much hope as what has been given to me. I just want to know that I'm following God's path for me. Whether that means swimming or not swimming, I just need to pray for peace.

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this."
-Psalm 37:4-5

June 25, 2012

Reading My Mind


Well, stating the obvious. You see the new look with my blog! I rather enjoy it. It's not too crazy different, but I felt like it could use some change. I think the black and white gives it a classic look, and I changed the purple color to a coral color. It is not pink. I do not do hot pink. Anyway, hope you like it! If it's too hard to read or something let me know! I'll be happy to change it back. :)

I hope you guys have had a good Monday! Mine has been alright, but what Monday is super fantastic when you're in school? However, I only have two weeks left with Anatomy and Physiology I!! :) And I haven't gotten anything less than an A on everything. Finally, the way the class is supposed to go. I just have to finish strong, and then onward to conquer Anatomy and Physiology II!!

Now for the excitement...The Olympic Trials have begun!!!! Of course, I'm interested in watching everything, but swimming most of all. I am just riveted to the TV when it comes to swimming. Swimmers don't get enough recognition outside of the Olympics. Anyway, there are a few girls from Colorado that I've known and swam with that are competing for a spot on the Olympic Team! You know who you are. It's incredible that I had the opportunity to swim with some of you! I wish the girls at Trials best of luck and I'll be rooting for you! :)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Something has been weighing on my mind lately...I'm not exactly sure what it is. Do you have those days? Where you know something isn't quite right and you feel like you have to fix it somehow, but you don't know what in the world could be bothering you? I've been having a few days in succession like that. I keep attributing it to homesickness, but I've survived this long, I don't know if that's really it. Today I almost snapped at my mom a couple of times and just felt like being alone. I think it has been a mixture of things - things that only God can help take away.

I was also thinking about this today...my mind is continuously going. I'm an introvert, so instead of talking out loud about what I feel, I just think through it all on my own. I forget sometimes that God hears what I say out loud, hears what I think, and hears what my heart thinks as if I had said everything out loud. And He hears it every second of every day. That thought I smothered before a friend heard what I was thinking? God heard it. A brief judgmental thought that crossed my mind that I immediately dissipated? God heard it. The sarcastic comment I hid from my parents? God heard it. I'm guilty of all these things, and it's only one more show of my weakness away from God. You may struggle with this, you may not. But for those of you who do, fight it with me! I fail time and time again, and I'm no better than any of you, ever, but fighting it on a daily basis will eventually make it habit. I have resolved to improve on this. Thanks for reading.


"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
-Psalm 139:23-24

June 21, 2012

A Year For Reflection

Hello all,

~ ~ ~
"A hug is a great gift - one size fits all, and it's easy to exchange."
~ ~ ~

Well, that's it. I'm nineteen. You know what that means? It means I've survived my first year of college; it means I've grown in my faith since I left home; it means I now have a house in Texas; it means I understand more of my limits; it means I've discovered my love for nursing; it means I've seen the day where my sister and I are separated for more than a week; it means I've learned a whole new meaning to the word forgiveness; it means I've learned my faith is a matter of my heart in its entirety; it means I have survived living with Type One Diabetes for 17 years now; it means I can continue to learn how to love those important to me.

You know, it's funny. Every year I turn a year older (haha state the obvious, I know...). But, this year is different. Every year, you look forward to being a little older, a little wiser...but it doesn't necessarily happen that way. This year, though, I feel I grew quite a bit. I've grown in my faith certainly, I've grown in being on my own without somebody holding my hand along the way, and I've realized even though I'm living in a different state right now than the last 18 years of my life, those people who mean the world to me can still be a part of my life.

Those of you who know me well understand this past year has been somewhat rough. There have been plenty of awesome things, but plenty of growing experiences. Thank you to those of you who have been there for me throughout it all. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Throughout this past year I've learned more and more that God has some incredible plans for people. I can only be open to and pray about the one He has for me! In my college essay, I wrote something about a pebble causing ripples when dropped in a pond. Well, the little things can sometimes have the biggest effect. Thank you all for the birthday wishes (!!!), and, as always, thanks for reading. :)

"but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run an dnot grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:31

June 14, 2012

Uplifting Serenity

Hello my friends!!

Well, that does it. Another week of summer school is behind me. And I pulled off two more A's!!!!! :) Yay. That's pretty darn good for only three days of lecture and lab for all the bones in the body! Next week is learning muscles! This is such a turn-around from my first experience with Anatomy and Physiology. You know, summer school really is not all that bad. I have discovered that I actually love school. Yeah, it's stressful at times, but I really do enjoy it. Especially now that I'm mostly taking actual nursing courses and learning about stuff I'm interested in. That makes things so much easier. I actually pay attention in my lecture class and it makes lab that much easier. I guess me doing it before contributes, but I'm able to look at things with a fresh eye and not have any other classes to worry about. So, there you go. A brief update on my summer school life.

So, this funny thing has happened lately the past two days. Yesterday the song White Flag by Chris Tomlin came on while I was driving home from lab. This morning, while driving home from lecture, the same song came on. AND after lab today, the same song was on. It was all in the same area too, so I was experiencing some major deja-vu! I wonder if God is trying to tell me something, or if it's just awesome!!! Nevertheless, I'm paying attention to it! I'll post the video/lyrics below for those of you who haven't heard it!

I'm sending Madison her birthday present this weekend! :) It should be entertaining. I have to get it first...but my mom and I are making a trip of it tomorrow. Also, I have made a resolution. This started on Tuesday. I want to be healthier. Not only is it just good in general, it is good with my medical problems as well. Since I have stopped swimming (I miss it sometimes...), I have grown sort of lax about stuff like that. I think I have just wanted to keep things as they were when I was swimming. But, it's time to face the facts. I'm not swimming anymore like I used to, so other things need to change as well.

Anyway, it has been a pretty happy week for me. I've felt sort of uplifted this week I suppose. :) Thank you, God! Anatomy is finally going the way it should be going, and I'm enjoying meeting some people at UNT! God has been speaking to me through song this week, just when I'm driving to and from UNT, the songs on the radio (obviously a Christian channel) have lifted my spirits. Even this stifling heat in Texas hasn't brought down my mood when I miss snow so much! Anyway, I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend, and I hope you've been uplifted this week as well! :) If you need encouragement or just someone to talk with, text me! I'm more than happy to talk with you and hopefully encourage you! :) The best way to make yourself happy is to do something awesome for somebody else without expecting anything in return. Make use of that this weekend for Father's Day!! :) Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there (including mine)! And, of course, how else can I end this post but by saying.....thanks for reading.

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."
Romans 12:9

June 11, 2012

Rampant Ramblings

Hey Guys!

So.... I'm just in the mood to ramble tonight. I don't know why. But I've had some heavy/thoughtful blog posts lately, so I feel like having a lighthearted one with just random thoughts I am having!!

It's so weird. When I walk on the UNT campus for summer school, I just feel like I don't belong. I mean everybody is nice and helpful and that's all fine, but I just feel so out of place. And I know why. It's because I belong at TCU! Thank you, Lord! :) Haha, I have this urge to share with everyone there why I go to TCU and why it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me! Despite it being the reason I am taking summer school in the first place haha. Oh, the irony.

So, Phillip is in England right now. What the heck. I told him to pack me, but nooooo. I mean, I feel like I could fit in a large suitcase...a very large suitcase...or a large box. :P Haha, oh well. I've never been to England, and I think it would be so fun to go. I could also go to Spain, but I am talking about England right now... Well. Enough of that.

I reaffirmed today that I love old-fashioned/vintage stuff. I have this weird obsession with looking online for unique earrings/necklaces and all that stuff. It's weird. But I am also obsessed with Gone With the Wind (most of you know that), and with Pride and Prejudice (most of you also know that). I love all of that, anything to do with it. I also realized I don't have the Gone With the Wind movie, nor do I have the old 4 hour version of Pride and Prejudice. Fail. Anyway.... I should fix all of that.

I was trying to find a birthday present for my twin today. It's not hard shopping for her, it's hard to shop the right way for her. It's not hard to find stuff for her, it's hard to find the right stuff for her. I am having difficulty finding just the perfect gift. Speaking of that... yes, it is my birthday month (*ehem* see last paragraph). Haha just kidding you guys. :) You know I'm kidding!

SPECIAL SHOUT OUT TO JACKIE, TASHA, CALEIGH, ASHLEY, and JENN!!! :) Happy Birthday month, guys! :)

If I missed some of you, sorry. It's late and I'm rambling. You know I love you! Anyway. That's about it for tonight. ~ There is a crazy thunderstorm outside right now and a huge clap of thunder just scared the living daylights out of me. Awesome. ~ Back to where I was, though, I hope you guys have a good week!

And just a reminder...God loves you and wants to be a part of your life! I'm trying to incorporate Him in my life more. Even driving in the car on my way to school singing along to Chris Tomlin or Jeremy Camp does wonders for my heart some days. :) Praying on the way to class or thanking Him for random things also does me a world of good. Give it a try with me! Let me know how it goes. As always, thanks so much for reading.

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; His love endures forever."
Psalm 118:29

June 10, 2012

I Hear You, God

Hello Everybody!

It has been a little while since I've caught you guys up! I'm so sorry about that. Summer school has started for me. It's ridiculous. I have two tests every Thursday. A lecture test and a lab test. Luckily, this last week, I got As on both of them. Let's hope I keep up the trend. Bring it on Anatomy and Physiology....again. :) Life is going alright. It's busy, but good. It's definitely different though. The house is great, I'm loving it, and it's nice to be able to help my mom out. Nothing else is really quite new with me. I'll try to blog a little more although it may be hard with summer school. But I'm going to try!!! :)

Anyway...it's that time of year again. Father's Day. There was a great message in church today. I walk in, sit down, and the pastor comes out and says he is going to talk about Father's Day even though it's a week early. You can imagine what my thought was: "What? Oh...great. This is something I don't want to hear right now." But my other thought was, "Okay, God, I get it. I get it. I'll listen." So, he got going on the message and was saying that he didn't know how many people could relate, but he went to the store and looked at the Father's Day cards for about a half an hour and there was not one card he could find that defined the relationship between him and his dad. I can relate. It was like that last year. I couldn't find one last year. All of them were about dads being heroes. I certainly didn't feel that way about my dad. But then he was talking and he addressed the sons and daughters of families without a dad really. So, I listened. I grew up with a dad, but he was almost emotionally disengaged the whole time before he left. I'm thankful it wasn't any worse than that, but it still created a world of hurt. The bitterness and rage I've felt against my dad was my way of letting off steam since I bundled up all my feelings at first.
So...basically he talked about two different things. He said the reason kids from broken families harbor such hurt and sometimes act out is because of the absence of that father. The father, even in Scripture is supposed to be the hero. We want to hear them say I love you and I'm proud of you. Even in Colossians 3:21, it says, "Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged." And how true is that? But anyway, knowing that my dad has done my family and I wrong, it has been difficult for me to even forgive him. But this morning, I heard God's message.
  1. I have a father who will never forsake me or leave me hanging. I've had one, I have one, and I will always have one.
  2. Maybe my dad isn't as malicious as my hurt makes him out to be. Yes, he has done wrong. No, he isn't my most favorite person in the world. No, he hasn't been my hero. But he is my dad. He shaped me in the way he thought best. The way HE thought best.
  3. That bitterness is only hurting me. Who am I to hold a grudge? I've never actually been without a father.
  4. I need to eventually talk to my dad face to face and tell him what I think he has missed out on in my life and what I'm angry at him for.
  5. I need to forgive him. And love him. And PRAY about it.
  6. I need to let go and start the healing process.
"Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness."
Hebrews 12:9-10

Anyways, if you guys have more questions or anything about any of this, talk to me. I just really wanted to share with you guys, I thought it was important. I'm by no means any sort of expert, but hopefully I understand enough to help you through something. Who knows, I'll probably learn more from you. :) For those of you with awesome dads and a beautiful family who is still together, I rejoice with you! :) Treasure that. God knew just what I needed to hear this morning, even if it was difficult, and I was reluctant to hear it. I hear you, God. :) I get it.
Thanks for reading.

"And, 'I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters,' says the Lord Almighty."
-2 Corinthians 6:18

Blog Archive