July 24, 2012

Chiseling Away

You know, I've been thinking about something since Sunday. Ever think about what a sculptor imagines as he chisels away at his creation? He obviously is not thinking about one little section of the creation. He may be concentrating on it, but he is thinking about the sculpture as a whole. This is what God does. The pastor was talking about how God chisels away at us throughout life. I realized however bad something may be at the moment, God is focused on the outcome way in the future...I mean way in the future...like at the end of your life, at death. He is looking there and beyond. This life is only temporary. It was just a cool image to think about. Everything I go through down here, everything you go through down here, is just another mark on what the final product is supposed to be.

I was thinking about this, and I began to think of some blessings that have come to mind lately. My whole frustration about diabetes? Well, let's just think about this. I have never had to be rushed to the ER due to a diabetes problem except, obviously, when I was actually diagnosed. I have never been in a coma because of a blood sugar issue. It's absolutely amazing, I was thinking about this too. Every single time I've had a low blood sugar in the middle of the night, when I'm sound asleep, I wake up. I wake up randomly, not by an outside stimulus. I've been able to take care of it in the middle of the night when I would not have otherwise woken up. When your blood sugar gets low, you start getting lethargic and you lose focus and can't think clearly. The only thing I would want to do is sleep, and I wake up. My entire life that has happened, every time. How cool is that?! That is no coincidence. That is a huge blessing. I focus on the harmful stuff, but I have nobody to thank but God for that one.

I woke up to a beautiful day this morning. My blood sugar was normal, and I made my coffee. My hair was crazy this morning, but hey, I love my curls. I got to go to class this morning and learn nursing essentials. I do love school, as weird as that may make me. My twin sister is here under the same roof, and it's awesome. I realized I have friends who I would do anything for and I have grown through so many things in my life I wonder how my current stresses could be any different with that chisel still working away.

I have so much more to learn in this life. I have so much faith to grow into. I have loved and I have lost. I am thankful to have known disappointment so I can appreciate success that much more. Most of all, it's the coolest feeling to believe in miracles. I have faith that I am continuously being chiseled away at. And I want to be. I've just been feeling uplifted today and I wanted to share :). Love you guys, and thanks for reading.

"...you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator."
-Colossians 3:9-10

July 21, 2012

Back to the Beginning

Hey guys!

You know those days where you're like, gosh...it's just been a long week? Well, honestly, right now, I feel like saying, gosh...it's just been a long couple of years. I hate being not super happy and I'm sorry that you have to read about it haha, but I just need to write it out today. I just need to tell somebody. I'm trying my best to keep going, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but it's getting hard. Little things this past week have just built up. A couple days ago, I had another conversation with my dad. And, of course, it didn't end well. He called my mom 'your mother' once again like he has nothing to do with her. And, I told him what I thought, that 'it's mom, not your mother' and then I hung up. I'm sick of it. I just feel so mentally drained. So mentally drained. And also, yesterday, I had a run in with my insulin pump when I was trying to change out my site. Usually it would not upset me, but it did, for some reason. You see it in the picture below. As soon as I inserted it, my blood shot through the catheter and halfway up the tube before I yanked it out, producing more blood and a bout of pain. And it was my second attempt to replace my site. It just frustrated me more than it should have.

Whenever something like that happens, I know that it is the beginning of a breakdown. So many things build up that I get frustrated over the stupidest things! Then, last night, my dad supposedly called me and left a voicemail. When I went to listen to it, it wasn't him calling me at all. He butt-dialed me and then accidentally left a voicemail. It was a minute and a half of him talking about somebody that frustrated him because the person would look at his phone in the middle of a conversation. I understand, but ugh. Of course he wasn't calling me. He hasn't called me in probably six months or longer. I know I can't change him, but I'm so tired of having a dad who doesn't want to talk to his kid.

Anyway, those little things just made me so angry and I got thinking about my frustration with my health, my frustration with not being home with my friends in Colorado with so many horrible things happening there this summer, and having a dad who wanted to keep my twin sister away from me for no reason other than having control.

Through all this I'm trying desperately to remember that God has everything under control. These past two years I am certain that there has been only one set of footprints in the sand. Coming back to the fundamental principle of my blog, I need to remember that I don't belong in this world. As much as I want things to go right, it's all preparation for something bigger. I don't belong here. The meaningless things I get angry over, I can either get angry over, or I can pray and be at peace with my life. But that is obviously harder done than said. I think what I need is just prayer. You all know, you've all been there, being mentally drained is the worst. It's hard to pick yourself up and get started again. Thank goodness God is the one who will pick me up so I can continue to walk beside Him. I can't do this alone. I never have been able to.

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe."
-Psalm 61:2-3

July 19, 2012

Writing My Heart Away

I've always loved writing. Ever since I was little. I used to write short stories and wanted to write a novel when I grew up. I've thought about this. Notice how when you are little, all your dreams come into play and you feel like you can do absolutely anything?! Then, life gets to you and you become realistic. Dreams are there, but they are outlandish no more. You get realistic about what you could do.

Writing isn't like that. You can go anwhere when you write. You can write the tablet of your heart. That's one reason why I've started this blog. I don't completely open up to people unless I know you well. I just don't, I'm an introvert, I'm wired that way. Those of you who know me, who know my life (and I mean mostly everything), you should know that I have obviously wanted you to be a part of my life. :) But, I've been thinking about writing. I was writing a letter today and I realized, by the time I was done writing, I had written a ton! I just kept going. I love old fashioned letter writing. It's the most personal form of communication besides seeing people face to face. Reading the letter, and looking at the person's handwriting makes it personal. You know they sat down at their desk and took the time to write out every single word to you. They thought about it. They didn't absently send you a text. You know that what they wrote was from the heart. I love old fashioned letter writing. It's the best thing when I get a letter from a friend. If you ever send me one, you can be sure, I will personally write you back. :)

That's what I do everytime I write. Whether it's here on this blog, or whether I write a letter...I write from the heart. It's the best way to get my thoughts down. I don't make excuses, I just write. I write what's been on my heart. I guess what this blog post is, is saying I mean what I write. It's a tool to help people get to know me better. I'm not good with strangers, I'm shy, but with writing, I don't have to be. People get to know the real me. My thoughts, my worries, and even my train of thought comes out in writing. Especially with handwriting letters. Also, I don't know how many people read my blog whenever I have a new post, but I'd like to think that it's more of a personal endeavor. You know, getting to know me through my thoughts. You can get to know me on the outside and know me quite well, but my writing seems to tell more at times...and that, my friends, is all heart.

July 15, 2012

Faith By Candlelight

I love candles. Especially scented candles. Have you ever lit a candle, set it in a corner in a room, turned off the lights, and just watched it flicker? Have you ever just watched the light dancing on the walls? It's mesmerizing. Have you ever noticed how the longer the candle burns, the stronger the scent gets and the brighter the flame?

Every time I light a candle I somehow get lost in my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I'm no longer sitting in the room. I love watching the flame grow higher and the pool of wax beneath the wick get bigger and bigger. Then I leave the room momentarily, come back, and the scent washes over me once more because I was no longer immersed in it for that moment.

Faith is a lot like a candle. Faith in anything. Faith in yourself, faith in another person, or faith in God. It can sit dormant on a shelf for a long time waiting to be lit. Once it is lit, though, it is lit until something happens to it. The flame can flicker, go sideways, or almost diminish, but it can remain lit. Our faith in something can flicker, go a different direction, or almost diminish, can it not? It still can remain lit though. A sudden gust of air, of wind, or of breath can extinguish the flame. All by outside forces. Something could happen to our faith. An outside force can extinguish the flame in an instant, like it was never there. That can happen with your faith in a person. It can happen with your faith in yourself. It can happen with your faith in God. And it does happen. That one person can do something to you that just shatters a lifetime of faith. Some outside event down in this world can shatter faith in God. But that flame can also just go on burning and burning until the flame is surrounded by a liquid pool. The scent is so strong and you can smell it from anywhere, but you have been immersed in it so it seems normal to you. You may leave for a moment, return, and smell the candle more than ever. Don't lie, it makes you happy when it's a pleasant scent.

The good news is, no matter how many times the flame is extinguished, it can be lit again. The burnt tip of the wick still can be lit again and again, however many times you choose. It begins small, but builds into something that may take a few breaths to extinguish the next time. As the pool gets bigger and bigger, the scent gets stronger and more rooms are affected by that one candle. The brighter your faith, the stronger the influences. And the candle only has to continue burning. Re-lighting the faith in another person candle is hard, but, with God's help, can be done (sometimes through forgiveness). Something I've realized about my faith in God candle... It may falter at some points, but it will never stop burning.

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our 'God is a consuming fire.'"
-Hebrews 12:28-29

July 12, 2012

Walk With Me

I wake up in the morning. Covering myself with a blanket against the chill of the air conditioning, I look out the window. Rain or shine, my mind begins working. Everything begins with my head. I sit up and thank God I have another day to try and get things right with my health, to maybe make a difference with somebody today. My thoughts start piling up, one after another; my worries begin swelling despite my efforts for calm; my musings all begin threading their way through my brain. My day begins with me and only my thoughts. All the occurrences of yesterday make their way into my memory and begin remodeling the plans I remember having for today. My mind begins its constant ramblings as I prepare to live another day.

Mentally awake, I take in my surroundings in my new house. It's still strange to me, not yet feeling like home. The beautiful view of the golf course greets me as I walk to the kitchen for coffee, just for the sake of something warm to drink. My eyes adjust to the light and make me remember I need to put my contacts in. I observe mostly everything, whether it is in my house or if it is at school, whether I'm alone or with somebody else. I take it in, not saying anything usually, just letting the world speak for itself. Without knowing, every visual perception I have that day is recorded and stored in my always active mind. Who knows, it may be in my dream later that night. I carefully observe and focus on things taking mental notes only if necessary. Observing is only another part of me whether I do or do not say anything about it.

I interact with people throughout the day and avidly put a smile on my face. I could be feeling happy that day, or I may be feeling dejected. All the same I smile and try to remember no matter what happens, I've got God on my side watching over me and making footprints in the sand. As I come in contact with people or even just glance at somebody, I smile. You never know when somebody you don't know needs a smile or kind gesture from even a stranger. Even when my smile falters from one moment to the next, I pray for the strength to keep that smile from falling. The thing is, it shouldn't be falling. I've got plenty to smile about, and I'm reminded time and time again...no doubt about it!
The next thought in mind continues from morning to night. A struggle that not just a girl like me sometimes struggles with. Every girl you see has some sort of doubt. What kind of girl she is, whether she measures up or not, what person will show her she's loved...it's these kinds of questions that help fuel the beauty industry. Make yourself better! Make a better version of you! I fall for these tricks at times, when I can't remember beauty comes from within, from what God made. It's a struggle to remember that, take it from me, but the more I believe it, the happier I am. Nobody has the truth to being beautiful. Only you can find that. That beauty that makes you, you. Remember this... God knows who you are whether you're wearing a dress or not. Be the beauty God created in you from the beginning. This is all that matters, and this is what you should want everyone else to see. That appearance stands out from all the others. I know I want people to ask, "What is different about her?" And I would only love to share!

The end of this day comes from my feet. They've brought me everywhere, and will bring me back to where I started. I come in each night knowing my day was anything but perfect, but prepare for another night. I'm alone with my thoughts once more. My head hits the pillow, yet my mind still runs on. It's tireless, I tell you. Always striving to figure things out, always wanting to know the answer. The best part of my day is knowing for a fact I didn't walk alone. I don't have to have the answer, I just need to be grateful. God gave me courage to face my thoughts; He gave me an opportunity to see the world through different eyes; He encouraged me to give joy to somebody else; He reminded me I'm beautiful to Him and to shine from within; He led my feet back home, putting one in front of the other. And when I see that one set of footprints, I'll know it was Him.

Before I fall asleep, I think once again. I thank God for getting me through another day and pray He gives me strength for the next one. No matter what happens, no matter how He makes me stronger, I know one thing: I need to stay true to my faith, and become the woman God made me to be.

"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."
-Proverbs 31:30

July 8, 2012

The Littlest Thing

Hello Everybody!

Wow, I apologize for the delay in posting. I just haven't had the chance to blog in the last week. Let me catch you guys up on what my mind has been pondering...

I am done with Anatomy and Physiology I!! :) I won't know my final grade until tomorrow, but it's a relief, and I did decidedly better than before. So, that is wonderful news. However, I do start Anatomy and Physiology II tomorrow. So much for a break haha. It's alright. Only a little longer and I'll have that class out of my hair forever! Wish  me luck! Now, most of you know I am afraid of bugs. Now, here in Texas, bugs are everywhere! I have discovered something in the last few weeks. I think I have a legit bug phobia. I get abnormally scared when something flies at me or even if I see a dead locust sitting on the ground. It's not normal which is why I think it is a legitimate phobia haha. Awesome. But not really. My heart rate literally races whenever I see a bug or think one is on me! And it's not how it feels when I'm normally startled, it's a legitimate fear! I was on a walk the other day and came across a dead locust in my path. I knew it was dead, but it still scared me and I probably jumped 3 feet in the air! It was terrifying. Haha, so, that is something I've been discovering.

me + an actual Texas sunset
On to some more serious topics...I just wanted to let all you Texans know that I love the sunsets here in Texas. In Colorado, sometimes the mountains cover the sunset colors, but you can see everything here in Texas just because everything is so flat haha. But, hey, those sunsets are definitely awesome! :) They make up somewhat for the lack of mountains. Not a whole lot can beat those Colorado mountains.One thing that I've been pondering lately is something little, but something so true. I'll keep it brief, but it's easy to forget that the littlest things can make a difference. Just the littlest thing can touch somebody's heart. You just never know what a person needs to hear. Or you never know what can hurt somebody. Most of us have had personal experience with both circumstances.I've had experience with both in the last week. My dad said something that actually hurt me, it didn't make me angry, it really hurt me. I didn't even talk to him directly, I heard it through the grapevine. It's like he will talk about me like I don't mean anything whether I'm there or not. However, I've also talked to people this last week who have made me smile and love life. It's just, food for thought. Mean what you say. Be careful with what you say. Most of all, think about the effect your words will have. That's always something to remember. I hope you guys are doing well, and of course, thanks for reading.

"A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of."
-Luke 6:45

Blog Archive