July 21, 2012

Back to the Beginning

Hey guys!

You know those days where you're like, gosh...it's just been a long week? Well, honestly, right now, I feel like saying, gosh...it's just been a long couple of years. I hate being not super happy and I'm sorry that you have to read about it haha, but I just need to write it out today. I just need to tell somebody. I'm trying my best to keep going, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, but it's getting hard. Little things this past week have just built up. A couple days ago, I had another conversation with my dad. And, of course, it didn't end well. He called my mom 'your mother' once again like he has nothing to do with her. And, I told him what I thought, that 'it's mom, not your mother' and then I hung up. I'm sick of it. I just feel so mentally drained. So mentally drained. And also, yesterday, I had a run in with my insulin pump when I was trying to change out my site. Usually it would not upset me, but it did, for some reason. You see it in the picture below. As soon as I inserted it, my blood shot through the catheter and halfway up the tube before I yanked it out, producing more blood and a bout of pain. And it was my second attempt to replace my site. It just frustrated me more than it should have.

Whenever something like that happens, I know that it is the beginning of a breakdown. So many things build up that I get frustrated over the stupidest things! Then, last night, my dad supposedly called me and left a voicemail. When I went to listen to it, it wasn't him calling me at all. He butt-dialed me and then accidentally left a voicemail. It was a minute and a half of him talking about somebody that frustrated him because the person would look at his phone in the middle of a conversation. I understand, but ugh. Of course he wasn't calling me. He hasn't called me in probably six months or longer. I know I can't change him, but I'm so tired of having a dad who doesn't want to talk to his kid.

Anyway, those little things just made me so angry and I got thinking about my frustration with my health, my frustration with not being home with my friends in Colorado with so many horrible things happening there this summer, and having a dad who wanted to keep my twin sister away from me for no reason other than having control.

Through all this I'm trying desperately to remember that God has everything under control. These past two years I am certain that there has been only one set of footprints in the sand. Coming back to the fundamental principle of my blog, I need to remember that I don't belong in this world. As much as I want things to go right, it's all preparation for something bigger. I don't belong here. The meaningless things I get angry over, I can either get angry over, or I can pray and be at peace with my life. But that is obviously harder done than said. I think what I need is just prayer. You all know, you've all been there, being mentally drained is the worst. It's hard to pick yourself up and get started again. Thank goodness God is the one who will pick me up so I can continue to walk beside Him. I can't do this alone. I never have been able to.

"From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe."
-Psalm 61:2-3

1 comment:

  1. Hey, I'll be praying for you. Everything will be okay, maybe nothing is right at the moment with your dad. But just remember there are so many people that care about you, like your mom and Madison, and friends including myself.
    Hope you know i'm always a text/phone call away :)


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