February 3, 2013

It's Time To Think About The Past

Everybody is always talking about the present, the future. You hear a lot of 'it is time to think about your future'. Sometimes, though, I think it's good to look at your past. Looking at the past and living in the past is a different thing. But it's not a bad thing to think about where you've been, what you grew out of, which people are still your friends, which people left a lasting impact on your life, what you learned from somebody in your past, how much you've grown into your own personality...

I could go on, but my point here is this. Where has God led you? What has God brought you out of? Who did God bring into your life? Where did God open your eyes so you could learn something? Where did God carry you instead of letting you go? I've been so many places mentally in my life, some good, some bad. It's hard to get out of that mental trap of thinking you can do things all by yourself. Goodness knows, I've struggled with that. I still do. But, it's time to think about your past. Look at where you are now compared to how you graduated high school. You may be the same person, you may not. I'm going to say a little bit (okay, let's be real, quite a bit) about where I find myself today, but I encourage you to look at your life and where you've come. What has God gotten you through? Where were you four years ago?

I like to say I haven't changed much, but it's a lie. I really have. In high school, especially my junior and senior year, I harbored bitterness towards my dad and that was so hard to get rid of. I threw myself into the things I loved thinking I could get past it all by myself. Having the gift of being able to look back four years ago today, I realize that I had put God on the backburner. Yet, He was still there, waiting for me to come back faithfully. I also realized that God was gently, yet firmly sustaining my heart so I could stay on a good path. He put people in my life that helped me grow in my morals, my faith, and my self control. I realized when I went to college, I was just completely worn. I was ready for something different. God showed me that in a weird way. I stopped swimming, just like that. I didn't know anybody coming to TCU. I made great friends, just like that. I trusted in my ability to succeed in classes and He humbled me, real quick. I was struggling with seeing my self worth, and He put people in my life to tell me otherwise, just like that. I had a pattern of keeping everything inside me until it blew up, and He inspired me to start a blog to whoever would read it and want to listen. And I've noticed just recently that He has gradually been erasing my bitterness towards people, including my dad, piece by piece. It doesn't feel as evident anymore. He has given me a gift of a heart willing and wanting to serve people which has served me well in my major and friendships. He has also been with me through my persistent, clinging apathy towards my Diabetes over the last few years. There is a reason He gave this to me to deal with. I've grown in Him, come back to the freedom He has given me in my life. I can't help but think he has given me the opportunity to reach out to people through my future profession, through my time growing up.

My past has made me into the person I am today. These last few years, the walls I built around my heart have been falling down. I guarded myself from so many things - from hurt, from letting people in, from the sting of failure, from my own faults - it has finally stopped. Obviously, these things still creep up on me sometimes, but looking back at my past, I know God never left me there. He never left me more mortar and bricks for my wall and said, "Good luck, Morgan, I hope you find a way out." No, it was more like he kept walking behind me, taking off the top layer of my wall every time I added one. God works in mysterious ways. It's just funny, seeing where I was a few years ago compared to now. I feel different, but not in a superficial way. My heart has been slightly changing, and I know who is behind it. Thanks for reading.

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