April 9, 2012

Reverting to the Past

Hello All!

Well, my Easter this weekend was absolutely wonderful! It was so much fun! I hope you guys had a great weekend, and I'd love to hear about it, but let me tell you a little bit about my weekend.

Let me just start off by saying that I am incredibly blessed with such great friends here at TCU. My weekend started with a mini panic attack. Literally. My site for my insulin pump fell out, and lo and behold, I was without insulin. I hate admitting this, but I was so irresponsible packing. I didn't pack any more insertions for my pump when I thought I did. So, I had my pump, I had my insulin, and I had no way of getting it into my body. Talk about a scary situation. People honestly don't understand what kind of terminal disease diabetes is. I mean we hear about diseases like cancer and stuff all the time, and I'm not trying to undermine those, because they are horrible, but diabetes is just as bad. Yeah, we have a way to cope with it, but insulin is not a cure. Anyway, so I was freaking out trying to figure out what to do as we were in the parking lot just getting done with lunch. The thoughts going through my brain were:

1. We are going to have to go back to TCU. All 15 of us. Because of me.
2. I am going to DIE.
3. Morgan, how can you be so incredibly stupid after being a diabetic for 16 years?!?!
4. I am going to just break down and cry right here in this parking lot.
5. What is wrong with me?!?!!

You get the idea. So, I'm near tears, not even speaking clearly because I'm so distraught. I mean, look, this is a LIFE THREATENING situation. To put it mildly. Then, I get an idea. If I could just get to a pharmacy and get some syringes, I would be just fine. I had my insulin. I just needed a way to get it into my body. And that was it. God is good and relief washed over me like a tsunami. And there it was. A Walgreens right next door to the place where we had just eaten lunch. God moment anyone? So, we went, I bought the syringes (Phillip went in with me, without me even knowing at first because I was on a mission to get those syringes gosh darn it, but it was a very sweet gesture, and I appreciated it).

Anyway, moral of the story: don't do what I do. Haha, no, just kidding. But there is something odd that I experienced this weekend with going back to using those old fashioned syringes. It took me back to my younger years of dealing with diabetes. I almost felt more free in a way. I also felt more lost. I love my insulin pump, but sometimes it can be such a deadweight. Getting rid of it for the weekend made me realize a few things. One thing about having an insulin pump is that you get lazy. You think, "Oh, I've got insulin going through my body, it's attached to me, I don't need to be super careful." I can't tell you how many times my apathy has told me that and I have listened to it. I was a little lost this weekend giving myself shots. I knew how to do it, body memory just kicked right in, but knowing that I HAD to go give myself a shot was a feeling I forgot existed. There was no other way insulin was running in my body. If I didn't get that insulin, I would get really sick. So, I got up and did it. There was something liberating about drawing up that insulin and sticking that small needle in myself. I was caring for my own well-being. It reminded me how often I forget to be active in taking care of myself and how my apathy has kicked in so much in the past two years. Reverting back to those past years made me feel more comfortable with myself. I knew how to do this. It was a little foreign remembering how to count my carbs and draw up the insulin myself without my pump automatically calculating it, but it was refreshing. I don't realize that sometimes I am insecure about being a diabetic. I don't act like it, and usually I'm not, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, it's very difficult having a terminal illness around people who don't. No matter how much I want to just be tough about it, it's a grueling process of taking care of my body. This little incident this weekend was a godsend, however. I remembered the necessary responsibility of being a diabetic. That's always been there, but it was a vivid reminder for my apathy. My friends were there the whole time, ready to take care of me, and they were ready to drive back to TCU. For me. It meant so much, and they all sat in the parking lot of Walgreens while I went in to buy my syringes, and then proceeded to make sure I had everything I needed when I returned. They postponed everything for me, and made sure I was ok in the midst of my panic. I appreciated it so much, and I can't thank them nearly enough for being so understanding and flexible. And, of course, I'm not apologizing for being a diabetic, but just their treatment was so appreciated. Thank you guys. So much! :)

Moving on, the rest of the weekend was great! Through getting some bruises, two-stepping, and swimming in the pool, one pretty great weekend with lots of memories was made. I learned the flip move for two-stepping! It's really fun, and looks super complicated even when it's not. Ryan is literally a two-stepping genius. The rest of the guys are great too, though! :) Of course. I love two-stepping with all of them.

You guys will be blown away by this... this weekend, another new experience for me, I went shooting!! Me. I shot a rifle and some other intimidating, large gun (and yes, with real ammo haha). And, I actually hit my targets! I shattered them! It was crazy!! I know, I know, the image of me with a gun is scary, but I did it. It was actually very fun! The kick was a little startling, but I would do it again in a heartbeat!
Fiddler's Green
I also had a new experience this weekend. I attended a Lutheran service for Easter. It was so different from anything I have ever done. I'm not used to talking back to the preacher, you know? And Anna sent me a picture of Fiddler's Green (if you're one of my Colorado friends, you know exactly where I'm talking about despite all of the name changes) and it really made me miss home. Also, it is like a 5 minute walk from my ex-house (yes, we sold the house). I love Easter service there so much, there is so much joy. :) I didn't experience that as much in the Lutheran service, maybe because it was so new to me. But, it was a great experience. When we took Communion, even when Ryan specified which little cup was which and what each had in it, I still managed to fail to take the grape juice. Yep. I took the wine. And as soon as it went down, there was a slight burning sensation (I mean, it's only a tiny sip of wine) but I knew it was definitely not grape juice! Haha, my mistake. But it didn't hurt me, and it was red wine too, which is good. Red wine should be the only kind of drink a diabetic should have, and even then with extreme caution. Anyway, funny little moment on my part.

To end the weekend, we went to a great restaurant, one of those where they cook the food right in front of you? It was amazing. The food was so good. I hadn't used chopsticks in a very long time, either, so it was fun to get to use them again. And, I actually really like sushi now. I used to be so wary of it, but now I quite enjoy it. I think college is gradually expanding my horizons. Alright, enough rambling for tonight.

I hope all of you had a wonderful Easter, and thank the Lord for the beauty in this world! Thanks for reading.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7

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