June 26, 2012

Prayer for Peace

Hello Everyone!

Yes, another blog post. And so soon too! Well, there is good reason for it. I've had an epiphany. Well, it's not exactly an epiphany, but it is a realization. I think I've figured out why I've been sort of listless lately. I think I miss swimming. More than I let on. I've done it my whole life exept for the past year. Even last summer I had friends that lived 15 minutes away from me to keep me occupied. This summer I have....well...summer school. All this hype with the Olympic Trials and swimming has got me missing swimming. I think about some of my friends back home who are still swimming in college and I just....I just miss it. And I am so afraid to even get in the water again. I can't explain it; it sounds stupid, but I really am nervous. I've done it my whole life. The thought of just getting in the water and swimming again, not even on a team, terrifies me. It's a part of me, yet I took that away when I came to TCU. I'm afraid if I do it I'm going to miss it even more and then not be happy with my current situation. I could have swam in college. I was deciding between TCU and Colorado College. TCU swimming is too much, that won't happen, but Colorado College could have happened. I could have been swimming. It makes my heart break even though I know I made my career choice. I wouldn't have been in nursing in Colorado, not like TCU. I am so thankful for TCU, and I love it; I made the right choice for my career...it's just the swimming. I think for a long time part of my self worth was associated with my swimming career. It was just that way. It's more evident this summer than it was during the school year which is very understandable. I don't know how to handle this.

And this, yet again, is another one of my weaknesses for trusting God's plan for my life. I hope I made the right decision by going to TCU and giving up swimming. It's funny in swimming, it takes a lot out of you physically and mentally, but even now, when I'm not near a pool, it's mentally taxing. It's no simple matter to just "fix" how I'm feeling. I just need help learning what to do without it. I'm still staying active, but it's not the same. Those of you who know me well probably understand me with how much I talk about it. Ah, there's the rub, though, I almost feel as if I don't have a right to be talking about it anymore since I haven't even been in the water to swim for the past year. I've been afraid to open up those floodgates and address it.
I just need to pray for contentment and direction. I need peace, and I know the one place I'm going to get it...from God. There is no other way. With where I am right now I can't just up and join a swim team, it doesn't work that way. It was either nursing or swimming, and I chose nursing. I mentioned before the reason I want to be a nurse is because I'm excited to give as much hope as what has been given to me. I just want to know that I'm following God's path for me. Whether that means swimming or not swimming, I just need to pray for peace.

"Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this."
-Psalm 37:4-5

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